i forgot this was draft-ed

you wouldn't make any sense in flowing clothes. maybe something with tulle and a full skirt, but it still wouldn't be flowing as such. still be hot fifties, not daggy nineties.

when my mum comes back to australia for christmas, she goes to 16-26 to do her annual clothing shop. it's pretty impossible for her to buy clothes in bangkok. i've been with her a few times and find it so depressing. there is a very limited style of clothing available, which is understandable, being one business. but it's the only place to go for "plus size" women in newcastle that i'm aware of. everything is flowing. designed to hide and conceal and trick. i wonder how much her transformation from combat boots, band shirts and cyclical hair colour to blonde femme has to do with her increased size and how much is a natural change in personal style.

[i even found the fabrics depressing. not just the messy floral patterns, but the unnatural fibres. i find it hard enough sticking with natural fibres being just inside the standard fashion size range.]

since i've been doing the gender studies classes, i've been feeling really overwhelmed. not by the work, since i only do as much as i want to. but by the world. by the female [because i'm self absorbed, but really mean any non white cisgender straight male] experience. i keep wanting to hit ESCAPE and go back to the real world that doesn't have all these insane inequalities that aren't even acknowledged except by people who are humorless. like us. [stupid feminists..]

i think part of why i'd like to do the courses legitimately is so that i could participate in tutorials and online discussion with classmates. i have shelagh to chat with, but i already had shelagh to chat with. i want to have more people to discuss the experience of living every day with. mine and others. i can't think of things i don't think of for myself on my own.*

[shelaghs friend suggesting the potential othering of using 'they', 'their', 'they're' etc instead of she, zie, he, etc. i have trouble explaining the point because of my lack of english skills, but 'they' being them, seperate, other, was essentially the point. ..that hadn't occurred to me. only the awkwardness of it being Incorrect.]

i need either 16 or 18 junior credit points to study any of the subjects i want to take. i don't know if i want to invest that much time and money into studying something that won't become a career [i don't think i have the inclination for a PhD, or at least not for the work/dedication involved] when i can attend the lectures for free and do the reading.

dear kate,

nostalgia!

this is how our first blogs started, remember? what year was that? when you moved to melbourne and we had diaryland accounts as a way of keeping in touch. the very beginning of me telling the internet all my private business.
Have you seen that underwear that says "I'm blogging this"? I never wear clothes with slogans, but I wish I'd made my own a few years ago when I was fucking and telling in zines and blogs. The whole process of blogging is different with a partner who doesnt chose to put his body and life out for public consumption. I have to be more careful.

It's weird, you are that frenchy look to me, like the girl to be aspired to in that look. audrey hepburn if that holiday was in paris not rome.

Dressing For One's size is so intense. Dressing For One's size (afterwards known as DFOS) means your size, your shape, your body is more important than your personality. I should wear flowing clothes, and cover my arms, and go for ladylike, even though I've always been more (felt more) flash and ass than class.

You know I can't get through a conversation about body or fashion without talking about Beth Ditto. I love her because she never dresses for her size. Have you seen her collection for evans? this is only part of it, i guess the rest is out of stock.
None of that shit makes a fat girl look skinny, or creates an hourglass silhouette. Beth Ditto looks fierce, and she uses fashion to express herself not disguise herself.

...I'm working on convincing myself of this stuff. I don't want to try to hide my body behind layers, or be ashamed of it. I don't want to think I'll only be attractive if I create some kind of fashion illusion. I don't want DFOS in my head.

I'm so glad you're just the right amount of sexy for cleo. It's what I've always wanted for you,

love, rina. x

stoned

rina, i'm stoned.

tonight, before i went to work, i checked my outfit in the mirror and realised that either my shirt had shrunk or i had put on weight. given that it's a cotton t shirt i've been tumble drying for the past year, i doubt it suddenly decided to shrink just now. my hips looked bulgey and my boobs looked disproportionately small. i suddenly felt really gross and dumpy. even my hair looked greasy.

i got really bummed about it but threw on an army shirt of owens and he rode me to work.

for dinner i had a large chips with aioli and a chocolate thickshake.

i hate this cycle of feeling bad, thinking how i should eat better food/exercise, remembering that piece of brownie i had for lunch, feeling bad, not doing anything about it, feeling bad, thinking about how wanting to be thin is a socially constructed blah blah blah i'm a bad person blah, feeling bad.

i think, i don't want to change my diet. i love food. and, i don't want to exercise. it's boring. so i'll Dress For My Size. but i have a specific aesthetic in mind. it involves simple shirts, high slim jeans, a cardigan and flats. that frenchy jane birkin thing doesn't work when i have bulges at the top of my waist band messing with the fall [/cling] of my shirt.

i'd never heard of Muffin Top until the last year or so. i was looking for a pair of jeans in newtown [i just had a huge desire to delete that newtown reference cause newtown is so.. gross.] after trying on yet another pair that were too small, the woman working asked How Were They as i handed them back to her. when i answered No Luck, she made some refence to Muffin Top and how you don't want that. and i was like, WHAT? i seriously thought she'd just made that shit up. MUFFIN TOP?

last night i bought a bunch more film. it's the awesome amazing colour peel apart film that makes negatives that i can to transfers with and is discontinued and i got 100 shots. that's SO MANY shots. my reasoning with myself was that if i bought a bulk lot, it would make the price per shot better, and i could totally on sell some of it for a profit. i really convinced myself it was an INVESTMENT.

now i'm convinced i'll sell some of the other colour film i have which is less awesome. [no negatives and, being the "professional" version, the colours don't have the same romance of polaroid.] i'm pretty amazed how much i like the b&w though. i really like b&w photographs, but i just don't see b&w myself. it hasn't really attracted me before. but these images look so authentic. i tried to think of a less pretentious word, i don't know if that one even reads how i mean it to. they're just so neat and perfect and they have their little white border and they make things that look boring look not boring.

when i think about fashion, my own fashion, i imagine very simple, practical, a sort-of classic style. pretty much the outfit i described before. but i want to add a pendant to it. a pendant on a long chain. something simple, heavy. something amazing that i will love and want to wear as my one accessory. but every time i find something, i imagine how it will interfere with a camera round my neck.

i've been reading holly's blog. i was looking at the fashion blogs she links to and one was some kid who is like, thirteen and really into fashion. i'm sure you read about this kid ages ago, cause you are much better at the internet than i am. but i was like, woah! who is this kid? [style rookie, just in case.] then i lay on the couch, lit a joint and started reading the latest grazia. [i swore off grazia, i only bought this one cause the store had run out of every other remotely readable magazine. ps. did i tell you that according to cleo, i am just the right amount of sexy?]

there is an article in it about this style rookie kid. my amazement was instantly a little deflated. what is that? grazia know so it's not cool anymore?

also, i totally stole the idea of striping my walls from the background in some social/dj booth shot on one of the other blogs holly linked to. it was fluoro green on white with heaps of graffiti. i think i'll go with that purple that looks sort of like it was fluoro until someone poured some white paint in and made it oddly pastel-ish. that is one of my favourite colours. i had a handbag in that colour that i loved. i almost bought paper that colour a couple days ago but owen said he hates that purple and i went with the safety of .

before i got to bed i want to go outside and have a cigarette, but i've been hearing some guy banging about out there. i never had a bad experience in this area, aside from that drunk woman calling me a "fuckin' cunt", but whatever. i'm stoned and paranoid.

oh! naked man across the road totally turned his light off while getting changed last night.

xxxx